What makes a good Slurpee?

Before you can begin a discussion on a topic, you need to define it.  What makes a good slurpee can be a bit subjective, but I believe a consensus can be made.  When I look for slurpees, there are primarily three characteristics that I look for.

• Thickness – The slurpee must be thick as all can be.  There is a direct correlation to the length of time it takes you to pour your slurpee and it’s quality.  You can plot this on a graph, I’m sure of it.
• Size of the Ice – Similar to thickness, if the size of the crushed ice is big, your slurpee will be crap.  If the ice particles are size of a sand or smaller, your slurpee will be heavenly.
• Colour – Now since I’m a purist (more on that later), I drink Coke only.  So the darker the slurpee the better.  If it’s black its gonna be awesome, if it’s light brown or close to white, it will be poo.

Now that, that is out of the way.  I’ll move onto the next topic.  The Ranking system I’ve developped.  This is probably not entirely accurate as I have not spent a significant amount of time testing the local watering holes since I no longer live out West, but this will be done completely based on my memory.

Store Quality

• 7-11 24th Ave/4th St NW Calgary – 11/10 – The absolute perfect Slurpee.  Thick, Dark, and very very tasty.  Undisputedly the best place in all of Calgary to buy a Slurpee.  It is pure perfection.  They keep their machine clean, they do not get a lot off foot traffic so the machine gets to reach the -2C it needs to be for proper serving.  Stay away from it’s close cousin on 16th Ave.  They have perhaps the worst Slurpees in Calgary(I believe this is primarily to the amount of foot traffic/Slurpees they sell)
• 7-11 – 10/10 – They invented the Slurpee, they own the name, they perfected it.  There is simply no one in the world that makes a better Slurpee.  This cannot be argued, this is fact.  Now, there are stores which are not run properly and their individual rankings can drop below non-7-11 stores, but essentially they are the undisputed kings of the Slurpee.
• Macs - 8.5/10 – Easily the second runner up to the Slurpee crown.  Their slurpees or “slushies” come a very close second to the king.  Their machines are generally very cold, clean, have a variety of flavours and I’ve had Mac Slurpees that rank in my top 10 of all time.  They won’t dethrone the King at any time, but on a hot summer day, they are a great alternative and you should never be ashamed to hold a Macs Slurpee in your hand.  These are also called Slushies, but that is because 7-11 owns the word “Slurpee”.
• American 7-11 – 6/10 - They inject their Slurpees with air.  This degrades the overall quality and makes it so that consumer gets less Slurpee in the cup.  Good stuff, but not quite as good as they could be. edit: I recently had one of these, and the addition of air just ruins it.
• Esso Gas Station - 2.5/10 – Pretty much the same quality as Shell, sometimes they will eek out a passable drink, but that is such a rare occasion you might just see an eclipse that night.
• Shell Gas Station – 2/10 – You might as well just buy a can of pop and stick in your freezer for 3 days.  It will be better than this mess they try and pass off of as Slurpees.  They are always full of air, are watered down, and their ice is the size of finger nails.  It’s gross and a waste of your money.
• Insert Local Corner Store Name Here – 0/10 – Don’t.  Just save yourself the tears and don’t.  They are usually slush puppie machines that taste like dirt.

Types of Slurpee Drinkers

• The Traditionalist - Someone who drinks nothing but Coke or Pepsi.  They do not mix.  They do not try “other” flavours.  They are the purist, only Coke will do.  I am such a drinker.
• The Mixer – These people layer their Slurpee with 2 or more flavours.  I personally don’t understand their approach, but to each their own.
• Flavour Shooters – You fill your cup with 98% of one flavour and add a quick shot of another at the end and mix it in.  This way you can make a “Cherry Coke” slurpee, or a sprig of lemon flavour to your grape.  Has it’s value in certain conditions.
• The Fruit – This is not a derogetory term.  They simply just like non-pop related flavours.  You will see them drinking mostly grape, orange, lemon, lime and the like.
• The Floater – They like to mix pop with their Slurpee.  I know, it does not make sense
• Hardcore – These people buy the 2L heavy duty mugs and drink 3 a day.  They can be any of the above drinkers, but do it to the extreme.

Technique

After drinking a few Slurpees you will begin to notice that about half way through your drink, the bottom will become white, and pieces of ice will form.  To negate this, there is a trick.  Get two straws.  Yup, every serious Slurpee drinker, must grab two straws.  The reason for this, is that it allows you to mix up your Slurpee constantly, maintaining that freshly poured consistency.  Without this, you can easily ruin your Slurpee without paying attention.  Secondly, on a hot day, your Slurpee will melt and the bottom will form a liquid faster.  To counter act this phenomenon and keep a strong thickness, you will need to use one straw and suck up the melted Slurpee as fast as possible, while stirring.  Repeat as necessary.

If you drink it too fast, you will run into a BrainFreeze.  This will happen, it sucks, but you can counter act it fairly quickly.  There are two ways to do this.  First press your tongue to the back roof of your mouth.  Or two, open your mouth wide and breath in.  This will help with the pain, that should go away quickly, but hurts like crazy.

Random Slurpee Facts

• Winnipeg is the Slurpee capital of the world. They sell more there then any where else.
• All Slurpees are sold at -2C(28F).
• When Slurpee first hit the market, it wasn’t self-serve. The machine was behind the counter and the clerk served the product to you.
• Slurpee Day is July 11th. – Mark it on your calendar.
• Every year enough Slurpee drinks are sold to fill up 12 Olympic-sized swimming pools.
• The scientific name for BrainFreeze it is Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia.
• Bob Stanford, a 7-Eleven agency director, coined the term “Slurpee” in 1967.

To conclude, not all Slurpees are created equal and the lower quality ones should never under any circumstance be called Slurpees.  It’s just wrong to do so.  I live on the east coast of Canada, and unfortunately we do not have a 7-11 or a Macs close by.  So I have gone Slurpeeless for quite a long time.  If anyone reads this, and thinks of anything I missed, I would be glad to have your feedback.  You can contact me at filsinger[at]gmail.com.